dreaming

most of the time

perfect

“you're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense:
this girl you've met, she's not perfect either.
but the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.”

* good will hunting

not about me

“why are you getting so upset?
this is not about you.”

* When Harry Met Sally

coffee and cigarettes

i gave up coffee and cigarettes
i hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet
i thought my problems would just dissipate
and all my pain would be in yesterday

i poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
and watched my bad habits get flushed away
i thought that that would keep my head on straight
and all my pain would be in yesterday

but it’s true
i’m still blue
but I finally know what to do
i must quit, i must quit, you

* Michelle Featherstone

breasts

when i was a kid, i longed for breasts. the Christmas of sixth grade, my mom got me two bras, one was padded, and the other had only a thin lining. i wore them both at the same time. i thought if i wore both, it would make my breasts look bigger. it was about that time i also started stuffing my bra(s) with tissue. i tried water balloons once but they looked too fake. i even went to the extent of wishing on shooting stars for boobs. and as i glance down at my chest that is now a DD cup… i suppose i wished that on one too many stars. it didn’t occur to me until after the fact that i should have been more specific in my wish – as in, “i wish for a C cup and a size six figure.”

perfection

Paint by Numbers
Robbie Gil

i thought i was the love of your life,
but that was only your life with me.
i don't know how i will get through these lonesome nights,
i only know that i'm not ready.
so what'll i do, now that i'm not drinking?
i already miss you.
so i guess this is what i'm thinking...

i'm gonna paint by numbers,
just put one foot in front of the other.
it's gonna hurt like hell, for so long.
i'll go ahead and pretend that i'm alright,
yeah i'll go out and i'll fight the good fight.
the one thing i know for sure is this: that life goes on.
even after you're gone.

i thought if i changed my ways you'd love me again.
now i can see that i was too late.
and only time will tell if we can just be friends.
the only thing i can do is wait.
but i'm not ready for that 'cause i still love you.
and i know for a fact that you're gone but i don't want to.

so i'm gonna paint by numbers,
just put one foot in front of the other.
its gonna hurt like hell, for so long.
i'll go ahead and pretend that i'm alright,
yeah i'll go out and i'll fight the good fight.
the one thing i know for sure is this: that life goes on.
even after you're gone.

yeah, this will be the first time in 10 years, you're not the first to hear my new song.
and i'm a singing this while i hold back the tears, but you should know that i will be strong.
and maybe this is the life i'm supposed to live.
and you cannot take away from me what i'm willing to give.

so i'm gonna paint by numbers,
just put one foot in front of the other.
its gonna hurt like hell, for so long.
i'll go ahead and pretend that i'm alright,
yeah i'll go out and i'll fight the good fight.
the one thing i know for sure is this: that life goes on.
even after you're gone.
life goes on yeah.

life goes on
life goes on
life goes on
after you're gone.
after you're gone.

learning

(click it)

someone else

i wish this was for me.

b

signing

(i can't let go)

trying to let go

i wish it could be different.

i love you.

changes

bumper sticker:

"if nothing changes

nothing changes."

is?

my heart

(old poem)

i took off my necklace before i drove to your house to fuck you. the purple crystal cross on the silver chain would have hit you in the forehead as i straddled and rode you. you needed to find God but probably not by a mark on your forehead. i needed to find Him again too. more than ever. wearing a necklace wasn’t enough. He didn’t have my heart anymore. but neither did you.

love wins

true

feel

regrets

each and every one

choices

"There is no choice you've ever made,

nor any you will make,

that will limit you

as much as you may fear.

Nor even limit you at all."

* Notes from the Universe

risk

food for thought

impact

i've been so afraid to let go because i'm afraid i would be forgotten, that i didn't make an impact, that he just didn't get it enough. because if he did, wouldn't he do everything he could to make me stay?

leaving

i need to get a duffel bag. packing a duffel bag when you're angry or upset is much more of a dramatic exit.

i survived too

thinking

forgiven

(old poem)

the bench was never warmed by me. i never brought you flowers. it’s out of the way. i drive by sometimes. but i don’t stop. you have not been forgiven.

happy birthday, daddy

miss you.

lost

wishing

request

from a friend's blog:

I am formally requesting that I am returned, in full, the following:

1. my heart, which I gave to you, in whole

Thank you.

P.S. If there is any way that I could also get back my trust, my rational thinking, and my appetite that would be greatly appreciated as well.